Recently, my family and I had to make the difficult decision to move my Dad to hospice care. After battling multiple myeloma for fourteen years, his body no longer had the strength to fight. When he passed away surrounded by loved ones, and my own grief ebbed and flowed, my thoughts turned to my young children. How would I explain the death of their beloved Papa? How could I possibly support them in their understanding of grief when I was so entrenched in my own sense of loss?
Grief is a complex emotion, and when experienced in childhood, it can be especially challenging. The death of a loved one, a pet, or even significant life changes like divorce can trigger grief in young hearts. Children of different ages process grief in unique ways, influenced by their cognitive development, emotional maturity, and life experiences. Understanding these differences can help caregivers provide the right kind of support.
Infants and Toddlers (0-3 years)
At this stage, children do not understand death as a permanent concept. They do, however, sense the suffering of adults around them. They may show grief through changes in behavior, such as increased clinginess, fussiness, disrupted sleep, or regression (e.g., wanting a pacifier again). Consistency in routines and physical comfort, like hugs and soothing words, can help reassure them. Try to keep your answers to their questions simple and direct—“Yes, Mommy is sad right now. I know my family and friends are here to help me feel better.”
I read “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst to my three-year-old son, and we stretched a string through our house to pretend how our love could travel along our invisible strings of attachment to those we care for— no matter where they may be—even all the way up in heaven. It was a great visual for both him and my 6-year-old daughter.
Preschoolers (3-6 years)
Young children often see death as temporary and reversible; they may ask repeated questions like, “When is Papa coming back?” as they struggle to grasp permanence. Because they think in literal terms, avoid using vague phrases such as “Your grandparent has gone to sleep (or gone on a long journey).” This might make your child feel afraid to fall asleep or travel anywhere, fearing they might not return. Their grief may show through changes in eating or sleeping habits or bursts of sadness and anger. Gentle explanations using simple, honest language can help them process their emotions.
Everywhere, Still: A Book about Loss, Grief, and the Way Love Continues by M.H. Clark is a great resource for this age group (and adults, too!). It’s a book about loss and grief — whether that loss is permanent or temporary. And it’s a reminder that there is always a way to stay close to the people who are biggest in our hearts, no matter how far across space and time they may be.
School-Age Children (6-12 years)
At this stage, children begin to understand that death is final, but some may see it as something that happens only to the old or sick. They may express grief through emotions like sadness, guilt, or even anger. Behavioral changes, difficulties concentrating in school, or physical complaints like stomachaches can be signs of grief. Encouraging open discussions and providing outlets like art, writing, or physical activity can help them express their emotions.
This age group may respond to active processing of grief with guided help. One idea is How I Feel: Grief Journal for Kids: Guided Prompts to Explore Your Feelings and Find Peace by Mia Roldan. The prompts in this workbook do not only include ones about grief, but all feelings, great and small!
Teenagers (13-18 years)
Adolescents understand death in an adult-like way but often struggle with processing their emotions. They may feel intense grief but hesitate to express it openly, fearing that others won’t understand. Some may turn to peer support, while others withdraw or engage in risky behaviors as a way of coping. They may also question the meaning of life and struggle with existential thoughts. Providing a safe space for honest conversations, allowing them to grieve in their own way, and encouraging healthy coping mechanisms—such as journaling, talking with friends, or engaging in hobbies—can be crucial.
It Won’t Ever Be the Same: A Teen’s Guide to Grief and Grieving by Korie Leigh is a great resource for this age group. It uses clear language to describe the changes that grief makes to our brains. Teenagers will enjoy the beautiful artwork in this book as well as the relatable stories for Korie’s own patients to help them feel less alone.
Regardless of age, children benefit from honesty, reassurance, and the presence of supportive adults. Supporting a grieving child requires patience, understanding, and an open dialogue. Encouraging them to remember and honor their loved ones—through stories, keepsakes, or shared traditions—can also provide comfort.
While grief is a natural process, unresolved or prolonged grief can impact a child’s emotional well-being. It is so important to provide a strong support system, whether through family, school counselors, or professional therapy when needed. By creating a nurturing environment, caregivers can help children process their grief in a healthy way, allowing them to heal and find hope beyond their loss.
As we grieve, we can all find comfort in knowing that love never truly leaves us. It lingers in our hearts, in our memories, and in the kindness we extend to others. Grief, in all its sorrow and beauty, is not just the end of something—it is also a continuation of love, carried forward in the way we live, love, and remember.
